Persuasion: Anne Elliot and Captain Wentworth’s incredible love story

I used to be a great fan of classic English literature. Though I have not read many of these books. I still remember those days when I used to be obsessed reading Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice or Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. These heroines seemed to infuse such happiness in me. I remember being intrigued while flipping the pages about the lives of all these characters. Afterwards, I would watch every adaptation of these books. I unluckily had forgotten these emotions since after reading these two classics I never followed up with another one.

So, I don’t remember how it occurred but somehow it did, I stumbled upon Jane Austen’s Persuasion (I would really like to remember the moment and how that happened, but that’s not very important). I was determined to buy it and read but I was still in exams period so I couldn’t go to the bookshop. So, I downloaded the pdf version (I couldn’t get my hands on a physical copy) and my intentions were to just read the first few pages to get an idea of the story (since my exams were going on). I also got the great idea of listening to the audiobook at the same time while reading it, as to improve my English.

I got so invested in the story that I couldn’t avoid reading further than just those few initial pages I had thought to. And reading the book with an audiobook at the same time was very fast paced, and given the literature, it was a bit hard to understand at first but I got used it after the first 100 pages.

The book was so enjoyable. I finished reading it in three days. Anne Elliot was such a thoughtful character. She had gone through a lot after rejecting Captain Wentworth’s marriage proposal. But they meet again after almost 8 years, she being 27 at this time and he being 31. They are two very different people but with the same love if not more for each other. His love confession letter was so beautiful and unexpected. The words were so joyful and healing for Anne Elliot, or for any romantic heart.

What I really loved about the book was how mature and sensible Anne Elliot was and also the other characters. There was no evil in them. Everyone was so well-spoken and though there was some bullying towards Anne from her father and elder sister, all other characters were so appreciating of Anne. They valued her intelligence and company. So, that was very refreshing to read. Since it seems, most of the classic books always have some kind of an evil character which makes the main character suffer. Here, it wasn’t the case. And it’s not for the fact that I don’t like when the authors make their character suffer, it was rather for the fact shown that there also are families who are good-hearted and value and provide their children happiness without damaging others’.

At the end, Anne takes the lead and is determined to not ever be persuaded again by anyone for whom she should choose as her life partner. And she becomes brave and solid about her views.

Finally, I watched the 2007 adaptation of the story into a movie with Sally Hawkins and Rupert Penry-Jones. Just loved it so much. If you are classic English literature fan (or even if you are not), it will become a favourite of yours if you ever read it.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

Dementia: my experience

The ward I had been working at as a nurse through the last year and part of this one was the geriatric ward. The average patients’ age is 90 and above. Most of theses patients have some sort of dementia. Some times we have to restrain them because they could hurt themselves or hurt the staff. I’ve gotten used to these situations but sometimes when I see them all restraint and they request you to unrestraint them because they just want to go to their homes, it does pain me.

I look at them and imagine what kind of person they might have been when they were a kid, then a teenager and then an adult. What kind of life they might have lived, how joyous they must have been through life or did they have any struggles… And then they ended like this. Of course, all of us will age and will be on the brink of the death, there is no doubt about that. I just hope I will still conserve my cognitive abilities. Because it must be so painful to live like that, not recognising people you once loved so dearly, forgetting about your own identity, not knowing what you liked anymore or what your life has been like.

My worst enemy: my imagination

My mind never stops, not even for a little while. It’s always thinking, analysing, the past, present and the future. It’s always like this. And honestly, it’s very tiring. This habit of mine of never resting for a second has become really exhausting. I tend to imagine situations that have never happened and will never probably ever happen to the extent of imagining my loved ones death. They could get a little sick and I can make up a story in my head with the end being their funeral. It might seem dramatic but my mind creates these scenarios with such ease and naturalness that I can almost feel as if these events were really happening. And this drains all my energy. I think I should go talk to a psychologist, this is getting hard.

8th October 2021

This is a post I wrote some months ago but never got to publish it. Back then I was having a hard time and things got even worse through the next months. Reading it now, seems funny to me, specially the last sentence since I actually started to talk to a psychologist last month. I just want to share it because it feels like a good reminder, to realise how things can actually turn into good if we put just a bit of effort (my effort was to realise I needed help and seek it). I know some situations are quite hard, but to be honest back then this was the hardest situation for me: my own thoughts. I am glad to say I am overcoming it.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

P.S: As I am about to post this, I’m having doubts about if I should publish this or not. Will anyone want to read this? I won’t hope to make an impact on anyone, but if anyone can at least identify with these thoughts, I think that will make it worthwhile to post this.

My inner thoughts, anxiety, liberation words

Does writing liberate you?

It was a sudden thought that occurred to me. Do we write because it feels good? We can share our feelings with others, let them know how we see the world, through our eyes. Have you ever felt so connected with someone’s words that it made you feel that they are someone you have something common with? It could be anything, something as useless as discovering their favourite colour being the same as yours or finding out maybe they have gone through a painful situation as yours, or they have felt happy about something you value too.

Does this make you want to build a bond with them? You suddenly think how finally there is someone who’s just like you. You laugh about the same things, you get angry about the same stuff. You get nervous over the same situations. Have you ever found a friend like that? I have, recently. Though at the same time it makes me nervous… Can these beautiful moments last for a long time? I’m saying for a long time instead of forever because nothing lasts forever, but do they even last for a long time? Isn’t it always for a very short time that you are happy and satisfied with something in your life and sooner than you know, you no longer have those moments happening to you?

I guess it’s my anxiety speaking for me right now. My fears about the future that never let me enjoy these current moments. I am starting to embrace these facts, that these moments are just moments that will pass away and there is this possibility of it never being the same again, no matter how happy you are. Thinking about it now, the same anxious thought processing could also be applied to sad moments. Those agonising moments that seem eternal, will also happen in a blink and sooner than you know they will pass way too. I guess we humans can only look at the disadvantages, the advantages are always in the background for us.

Is there something that has been making you anxious today? Think of it as just a thought, not a reality. Say to yourself “I am having the thought of being sad” or “I am having the thought of never being happy” or “I am having the thought that my life sucks”. As my therapist told me, repeat this sentence to you for several times and you will get to realise it’s just a thought that your mind told you and nothing more than that.

I started going to therapy some weeks ago. I had reached up to a point where the anxiety had taken over my daily life. Depression’s symptoms had also started to appear. Being a nurse and med student, you know too well about this stuff but I never put myself as a priority. I was all about worrying about my family, my studies, my social life, my work that I forget that the first and only person I should be taking care of was myself. Even though, I thought it was too late to do something about it, it wasn’t really. Three weeks into the sessions, I have improved a lot. I no longer feel the urge to cry without a reason, I have much more energy (even thought the current exams period is draining). I can’t imagine myself being able to do all the things I am doing right now had I continued being in that state of continuous anxiety. I know when things started to go the wrong way but I didn’t take cautions and keep going on until I was at the verge.

I always waited for the correct timing for the most important stuff of my life. I don’t think there is a correct timing to anything. Right now as I write these words, there is an inner voice scolding me about not having started to study for the upcoming exam. However, I have now realised there is no correct timing for anything. If you feel to do something, just do it. So that is why I opened my laptop and started writing this post even though I should be studying right now.

I still feel like writing more but I think it’s enough for now. I have liberated a part of me for today. I really should go back and study for my histology exam.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

My liberation notes

No spoiler in this post.

I came across this K-drama since it stars one of my most favourite Korean actress: Kim Ji-won. I just love her so much. When I first saw her in The heirs, starring alongside Lee Min Ho, to be honest, I absolutely hated her character. But watching her in Fight for my way absolutely made me fall in love with her and ever since I have followed her projects.

This latest drama made me go through so much emotions. It was as if Kim Ji-won’s character, Yeom Mi Jeong, was me. I saw myself reflected in her so many times. The way she finds life so boring and exhausting, there’s nothing exciting for her to enjoy. The days keep repeating themselves. Some of the dialogues struck so hard.

The plot is about these three siblings who live at the outskirts of Seoul. Having to travel to Seoul for work and come back home every single day, taking them in total of 3 hours of time and there hard lives in the city and in the fields, farming with the family… The fields’ scenes were always so simple yet that simplicity made them look so beautiful.

The first sibling is desperate to find someone to love, the second sibling is trying to strive and do something in his life without a specific goal, being constantly under the father’s watch. And finally, Mi Jeong, the youngest sibling, is this introverted one who talks little and none of the family members is actually aware of her struggles, since she is not as loud as the other two siblings.

Another character which is crucial for the plot is Mr. Gu, who has this mysterious aura from the second he’s shown on the screen. Both Gu and Mi Jeong get close and their conversations are something. I could identify so many times with their thoughts and reflexions about the world. It was as if, I found someone imaginary who was looking at my thoughts and reading them aloud.

I will once again watch this beautiful and healing drama to cherish all those stunning, heart-warming, comforting and relieving, getting to know there is someone out there like you, moments.

There are SO MANY beautiful quotes from this drama but I will just leave this one from the very first episode which left me thinking for a while for how beautifully it was expressed.

If I imagine that I’m sitting here working next to you,

even awful tasks like these turn into something beautiful.

Work becomes bearable.

I’m playing a role of a woman who is loved.

A woman who has everything she needs.

Right now, I love someone, and that someone is supporting me.

So I want to imagine I’m at peace.

That I’m already enjoying the good times that I’ll be spending with you.

That’s how I want to think of it.

Rather than going through exhausting, difficult times without you,

isn’t it more admirable that I’m finding strength thinking of you?

-Yeom Mi Jeong-

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

Photo source: JTBC drama

Friends to count on: 25 21 :(

Disclaimer: This post might contain spoilers.

I just finished watching this kdrama called “Twenty five twenty one”. I am left heartbroken. The drama was very enjoyable but at the same time, even though mainly the ending was sad, it made me sad as the plot was evolving. Ever since I became 25 years old, I have felt that my youth has been left behind and entering into this new phase of life has left me confused and saddened. So, this drama, revolving around the theme of youth, friendship and love has haunted me very much. I have never experienced the kind of friendship that is shown in these dramas, the kind of friendship where you live in the same neighbourhood, hang around together at school, after school, you are through thick and thin together, you run together as the sun sets… I know all of this sounds too fictional, things that only happen in dramas and not real life, at least I haven’t seen them happen in reality. So, I am left heartbroken after having watched this drama. I was, until the very end, wishing and waiting for a happy ending. But that never happened. Maybe that was the only part mimicking the reality.

On the other hand, I am thinking I might have had these beautiful moments in my life too full of friendship, love and fun. Maybe we are too blind to see our reality, maybe the things we see in dramas are decorated in a way it always seems so nostalgic. It makes you wish to be there and experience the very same things the protagonists do, however, that will never become a reality. Thus, it leads us to feel down and sad. But does age really matter? Because I damn well know that at 35 I will be regretting feeling this way and not doing stuff at 25. And the same at 45 and so on… Then where does the answers lie? In our reality, I am sure but we have to find them no matter how hard it is or will be, we can find these answers.

Let’s gain strength through these kind of dramas and not feel down. Writing this, I know myself really well, despite feeling good after having written this post, there will come another time I will start to feel down but again, that will be another part of my day I will have to go through once more to encounter once again these peaceful and happy moments. Because we only learn what is happiness and cherish it after having felt sadness. It’s the same coin but seen from different sides. I wish I will remember this and won’t think about how I haven’t enjoyed all these years of my youth. Because youth is just a word not the definition of what it must be like. As, years are passing by, I find myself laughing a lot more in the public with friends without worrying about my actions nor feeling anxious about how people might be perceiving these actions.

These thoughts are often repetitive in my posts, but it’s the way for me to overcome things in life right now and stay on track. So, whoever is reading this, I want to apologise and ask you to bear with me. Also, if this ever comes to comfort someone, then these sessions of auto-therapy posted online are worthwhile doing for me.

If some of you regularly read my post, you might or might not have noticed that I enjoy writing with background music on. The music I listened to was the OST used in this drama: Jaurim- 25 21 and Kim Tae Ri, Nam Joo Hyuk, Bona, Choi Hyun Wook, Lee Joo Myung – ‘With’ . If you enjoy chill and nostalgic songs, these will become your favourites for sure.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

Image Source:

YouTube user TvN Drama (header)

Website: Dramabeans.com

Is studying medicine worth your health? Leaving medicine?

This post has some random thoughts but this was the mood I was in while writing so I will let it be.

Do you ever feel sad but you don’t know why. I honestly sometimes enjoy “induced sadness”. I put some sentimental background music and write like this, as I am doing right now. I enjoy this feeling I get while I write and think about stuff that has happened in my life.

Right now being in the library, instead of studying for the semiology exam I have on Friday, I am writing this post as I can’t concentrate well enough.

I worry a lot about how I waste my time in useless things. I waste my time then think how I could have used to it effectively when it’s too late.

Having become 25 years old, I feel that I have aged a lot. To some this age would seem still very young but being 25 reminds me how I’ve lived a quarter of century without achieving much. Maybe I have achieved stuff in my life, but I don’t think as important while others around me do consider it. I am well-aware about that but I still feel this way.

Going through my first clinical rotation this week, I am wondering if medicine is really for me. I am questioning myself as to how I came up with the idea of studying this degree. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning about the human body and understanding the pathophysiology behind the diseases but for some reason dealing with patients at the health centre has not been that exciting now that I have seen a day in the life of a doctor. Maybe I am wrong and I have to wait until I get to do the clinical practice in the hospital. I don’t know how to feel about this since entering into the medicine degree is really hard and I’ve had the thoughts of giving up but I can’t do that, it has been a hard journey until here. I think I am burnt out. Studying medicine and working part-time as a nurse is having effects on both my mental and physical health. Maybe I should take a rest and then see if this feeling of not liking medicine is due to the burnout or I don’t really have a desire for this field.

My friend and me were talking today to our assigned physician about the rates of anxiety, depression and suicide among medical students. What’s being done wrong in this field that students are going to such extremes as suicide? I guess we do have a lot of pressure from everyone around us to succeed. Med students are usually A+ students, but med school is pretty rough and you could very possibly fail subjects even being a very competent student, this with pressure form the family and society (since we don’t want to be seen as a “failure”) can definitely lead to anxiety, depression and sometimes suicide.

I wish we would all relax and see this as another phase of our life, where we don’t need to run neither prove ourselves to anyone. One step at a time, and if we can’t take a step then we should move inch by inch, this doesn’t have to be a race. I know this might not be this easy for everyone. I do have a financial backup with the nursing degree, others might not have it but I have another problems and struggles which you might not have it. To everyone it’s own. So, I definitely believe we can overcome this or any other problem in our life. Let’s keep our chins up and not lose that smile because research has shown even a forced smile can change hormonal physiology in your favour.

Ask for help if you need. It’s okay.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

Wanna party? Ehm…No!

This was hanging in my draft box. I decided to post it.

I am going to talk about what happened the day my exams ended. So, I… nop! Nothing special happened. I came home, had lunch and stayed at home in comparison to my classmates’ grandiose plans of going out and partying.

I am not fond of partying. Like, I do like to have fun but my definition of fun is very different to a lot of people of my age. A weekend night in the club around strangers, dancing, drinking… is not something I imagine as fun. But since it’s the norm among the youth, I must be the weird one. Thankfully, I have found some friends who don’t like to party either. So we have a little anti-party society of ours. Yes!

As I am becoming an adult, maybe I already am one or maybe I still have a long way to go, I have started to not care about people’s opinions. I still sometimes do though. But a lot less than before. I don’t care if someone finds me weird that I don’t go out and party. It’s alright, we introverts have our own perks too.

I mean, for me the cosiest place is my home, my pizza and a movie. Of course, I like to hang out with friends but in certain ways: like going out for a walk, chilling out at a cafe, going to the cinema (though the city I’ve moved to has no cinema, pretty weird and disheartening!).

More power to the introverts! That sounded like a slogan to some election campaign. Haha!

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

P.S. my goal is to empty my draft box. There are still plenty of posts stuck in there!

When the party is over… and it’s time to say goodbye

So I had to write a very tough email today. I won’t go through the details. It was written 4 months ago and hanging to this date in my mail as a draft. I did not have the courage to answer it back when I received it. But today I mustered up some courage and finally said goodbye.

I did not answer it back then because even though I had justification for my actions I felt like it might not be enough and also the fact that the email I wrote was charged with anger. I wanted to show that side of me but at the same time I wanted to make the other person understand why I was angry, which I was not able to do back then and that’s why, among some other reasons, I decided to not reply.

Today, I sat down and finally sent it. It means the end. Not going back anymore. I’ve had enough during this last year. For my own sanity, I stopped putting blames and just accepted the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. I was the first one to walk out and I definitely feel like it was a correct decision, even though it still haunts me sometimes.

I thought, after replying back, I would feel a weight lifted from my shoulders, but I don’t feel so. To be honest I am anxious thinking about the reaction of the receiver when it will be read. I guess with time it will become normal again.

The first part of the title of this post is from Billie Eilish’s song. It represents this post.

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey

Dealing with rude doctors: energy drain!

This weekend I worked at the geriatric ward. As soon as I arrived, my fellow nurse told me about all patients’ condition, and there was no one who was orientated in space and time. All patients on that particular day were disorientated in different degrees. The worst was the patient ***.2

As soon as my shift started I was notified that the patient had climbed out of the bed and was leaving his room. We managed to put him back in the bed. He was an 84 year old man, with walking inestabilitiy so we had to quickly make sure he was again in bed, to avoid any injuries from falling. He had fallen that very morning. One situation partially solved.

The next situation appeared five minutes after. The very same patient having a heartbeat of 200! To give you an idea, in case you don’t know, the normal heartbeat has to be somewhat around 60-100. And he had it double. We had to do an ECG but due to patient’s agitation it was hard.

The next step: call the doctor on call, tell him about the situation and to ask if we could mechanically restraint the patient. Mechanical restraints should be ordered by the doctor, we can’t put them on if we don’t have a written order. So, he came to assess the patient. We did an ECG, and apparently he had a supra-ventricular tachycardia (meaning a paced heartbeat) which had to be slowed down as soon as possible. Therefore, we had to administer trangorex, an IV drug. I asked the doctor again about the mechanical restraint because this patient had forcefully removed all the medical devices that morning + the fall + the constant climbing out of the bed increasing the risk of another fall with infliction of possible serious injuries. His reply was “we can’t avoid him climbing out of the bed, let him be. There are countries where if you tell the doctor to restraint the patient, you are put into jail. You wouldn’t like to be restraint either, right?” I was taken aback by his reply but I had to make sure that my responsibility as the nurse in charge of that patient was completed. It was my responsibility to make the doctor know that the patient might be in risk of injuries with his current behaviour and he should assess the situation. I said I had to consult him, if after his observation he said not to do so, we wouldn’t do it. To some doctors, you are equally wrong if you tell them about serious stuff as well as if you don’t tell them about it and the situation gets worse. I know I would be considered to take the bullet in case something serious happened to the patient because of our delayed take of action. So either way we have to put up with some doctors’ rude behaviour. I am still new to these type of situations so I can’t fully defend myself.

But after my shift ended, I cool headedly gave it a thought and came up with something I could have said to him at that moment. Which is the following: I never TOLD you to prescribe the mechanical restraint, I just asked you if we could put it on. And for that you need to assess the patient and if after doing so you consider it is not needed, then I will respect your decision. But the comments about going to jail and me not liking to be restraint were totally out of place and greatly disrespectful!

Funny thing, after five minutes of being in the room, he saw that the patient was quite agitated, constantly climbing out of the bed and in that situation it was impossible to administer IV treatment. I had left the room and as soon as I reentered he told me to mechanically restraint him since he had been constantly climbing out of the bed. Hallelujah doc! Now you see what I was trying to tell you. He mocked me just some moments ago making me look like I asked about the restraint out of pleasure of my own.

We nurses spend a lot more time with patients than the doctors, we observe them more keenly. So, some respect for our work wouldn’t make a doctor small. This is coming from a nurse who’s going to be a doctor in some years. Therefore, I have to clarify that all my rant is not to be taken as something against the doctors. Totally not! I have met and worked with wonderful doctors who are there for their patients and also fully respect their team mates. Let’s be mature and treat each other right!

Thanks for reading,

Jinjey